I have been a hypocrite throughout my whole break-up ordeal. I used an “end justifies the means” approach to my behavior, when in fact, I have never believed in that sort of thinking. But when it was convenient for me, I just forgot my own rules and guidelines and acted completely selfishly.
So I’m confessing here, but I don’t expected any absolution, sympathy, or support.
The means I used to find out that my then-boyfriend had started a relationship with someone else and with whom was that I read his email. That was a gross violation of his privacy and was a selfish and unforgiveable act. This episode pretty much defines me as a bad person and erases the things I’ve tried to do to be kind and generous.
Up until recently, I had justified this to myself by seeing my behavior only in the context of the whole situation – by comparing my behavior to his. But that’s a fallacy. It doesn’t matter what anyone else did; I knew what I was doing was wrong and the context doesn’t change that. I’ve never been a fan of situational ethics, yet I used them. I did not think through how my impulsive actions would have long-term consequences.
I have already confessed this to a handful of trusted friends, but it seemed right to tell my 5 faithful readers the other side of the story.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Was it right what you did? Maybe not (though I would be the last person on Earth to ever pass judgement). Was it justified? Perhaps. When trust is broken with someone we are so truly, madly, and deeply in love with, it’s hard to find reason behind our actions. We do things that are inexplicable and irrational… and it becomes a very out-of-body experience. I remember feeling that way when I was with my ex. I was filled with so much anger and rage, and I’m a non-violent, passive-aggressive hippie!
The important thing to remember is that we must learn from these patterns and realize how self-destructive they actually are… and to try to turn our attention within.
I think you’re doing a great job