Q) If you could find someone to pay you $1 for every time you said “Don’t eat poop!” in the last 2 days, how much money would you have?
A) $27
Q) Why is it that dogs enjoy eating cat shit?
A) Cat food is waaaay saltier than dog food. Dogs crave salt constantly. They will kill for salt. They will eat cat food, no matter how it’s presented: original recipe, partially digested, fully digested, and extruded.
Q) How tired are you right now?
A) So tired that I keep having dizzy spells and almost drove into a concrete barrier on the way home.
Q) Why are you so tired?
A) I had to get up at 5 a.m. to attend a meeting by phone on Eastern time. Eastern time is arrogant and should be ignored as often as possible.
Q) How long did the meeting last?
A) 8 hours, with an hour break for lunch. The whole time I struggled to understand and figure out who was saying what and why.
Q) Will you ever accept the absence of the last serial comma?
A) No.
Q) Why are you so itchy all of the time?
A) How the fuck should I know?
Q) What are the two best movies ever made?
A) Clay Pigeons and Blade Runner. And The Princess Bride. And Pulp Fiction. Fuck you. I can too count. Oh, and Raising Arizona. And Miller’s Crossing.
Q) Will “Raising Hope” be a successful TV show?
A) Nope. Too white trash and too highbrow at the same time.
Q) But aren’t many or most people too dumb to notice?
A) Yes and no. I know someone who is dumb enough to have thought the show “Starved” was a documentary. But advertisers will notice. It won’t fly. But sometimes idiocy triumphs. NB: Dancing with the “Stars.”
Q) What is your favorite punctuation mark?
A) The hyphen. Hands down. However, I do enjoy both the semi-colon and the colon. Just saying “colon” cracks me up. Today I managed to discuss both the colon and wieners in the same conversation. And then? Someone threw in a “thinking outside the box.” Weiners + thinking outside the box = hilarity. A weiner outside the box. I need a vacation.
Q) Why is Buster always licking his left paw?
A) I think it’s nervous energy. I’ve inspected that paw up one side and down the other. That paw is fine. He is anxious about something that I haven’t been able to identify yet.
Q) What are the 19 stages of emotions following a severe emotional event, such as a break-up or being laid off?
A) Anger, deep sorrow, hate, rage, disbelief, grief, sadness, anger, rage, anger, rage, violence, hate, hate, hate, hate, indifference, sadness, sadness, sadness, acceptance. I did research.
Q) If someone actually did give you money for every time you had to say “Don’t eat poop” during any given period of time, how would you spend that money?
A) Goons. Hairy-knuckled beasts who would break some kneecaps like Tonya Harding’s ex-husband. Head cracking. Idiots deserve punishment. It’s karma on ‘roids.
Q) What should a therapist say during a session?
A) You should be asked if you’re sleeping and eating OK. If your therapist says, “Got any blow?” or “Your mom said to tell you ‘hi.’ But it was muffled by MY DICK IN HER MOUTH!” then I would like a referral.
Q) What are “chola eyebrows”?
A) These occur when a young lady has plucked out all of her natural eyebrows, then takes an eyebrow pencil with a reddish hue and draws upside-down Vs over her eyes. This is almost always accompanied by brown lip liner with sparkly pink lip gloss.
Q) Are you still planning to go to NY for the cheese course offered by the CIA?
A) Nope. But I think I have a good reason. First, I decided to use my frequent flier miles to go to Chicago in October to spend time with my sister and try to repair our relationship. Second, I realized that Hyde Park, NY, is nowhere near NYC. The logistics of getting there and back would include a rental car and getting lost. And I can take an hors d’oeuvres course right here. I would love love love love to go to NYC in the near future, but Chicago is also pretty great, and I’m going first class, so suck it.
Q) What’s wrong with Molly?
A) Kennel cough, aka bordatella. And this, if you think “adorable” is a problem, then she has that too:
1None of these Qs are ever asked F2
2These questions are asked either R3 or N4.
3Rarely
4Never
The steps following a breakup you have outlined here are spot-on.
Also, I love your dogs.
Too bad you’re not coming to NY, but Chicago is full of awesome–you’ll have a fabulous time!