The trolls have gone.

So I’ll share my new url. http://myfurrycaptors.wordpress.com

Moving on

This blog used to be a place where I wrote for my own entertainment and amusement. Now it’s haunted with bad memories, anger, regret, a poltergeist, a couple of trolls, an ogre, and some ghosts. So I’m moving on to a new location. I’m not taking the site down for now mostly because it holds a tribute to Katy. Also because it wasn’t all bad and I don’t want to lose the good stuff.

Those of you who are friends and have been reading along will get an email with a link to the new place. That way you can still tune in to the continuing adventures of Molly and Buster as they radiate joy into the universe and accidentally injure me. Those of you who I don’t know personally but would like to make the move can leave a comment, and I’ll update you too. Here’s to better times! [Clink]

Confession

I have been a hypocrite throughout my whole break-up ordeal. I used an “end justifies the means” approach to my behavior, when in fact, I have never believed in that sort of thinking. But when it was convenient for me, I just forgot my own rules and guidelines and acted completely selfishly.

So I’m confessing here, but I don’t expected any absolution, sympathy, or support.

The means I used to find out that my then-boyfriend had started a relationship with someone else and with whom was that I read his email. That was a gross violation of his privacy and was a selfish and unforgiveable act. This episode pretty much defines me as a bad person and erases the things I’ve tried to do to be kind and generous.

Up until recently, I had justified this to myself by seeing my behavior only in the context of the whole situation – by comparing my behavior to his. But that’s a fallacy. It doesn’t matter what anyone else did; I knew what I was doing was wrong and the context doesn’t change that. I’ve never been a fan of situational ethics, yet I used them. I did not think through how my impulsive actions would have long-term consequences.

I have already confessed this to a handful of trusted friends, but it seemed right to tell my 5 faithful readers the other side of the story.

FAQs 1

Q) If you could find someone to pay you $1 for every time you said “Don’t eat poop!” in the last 2 days, how much money would you have?

A) $27

Q) Why is it that dogs enjoy eating cat shit?

A) Cat food is waaaay saltier than dog food. Dogs crave salt constantly. They will kill for salt. They will eat cat food, no matter how it’s presented: original recipe, partially digested, fully digested, and extruded.

Q) How tired are you right now?

A) So tired that I keep having dizzy spells and almost drove into a concrete barrier on the way home.

Q) Why are you so tired?

A) I had to get up at 5 a.m. to attend a meeting by phone on Eastern time. Eastern time is arrogant and should be ignored as often as possible.

Q) How long did the meeting last?

A) 8 hours, with an hour break for lunch. The whole time I struggled to understand and figure out who was saying what and why.

Q) Will you ever accept the absence of the last serial comma?

A) No.

Q) Why are you so itchy all of the time?

A) How the fuck should I know?

Q) What are the two best movies ever made?

A) Clay Pigeons and Blade Runner. And The Princess Bride. And Pulp Fiction. Fuck you. I can too count. Oh, and Raising Arizona. And Miller’s Crossing.

Q) Will “Raising Hope” be a successful TV show?

A) Nope. Too white trash and too highbrow at the same time.

Q) But aren’t many or most people too dumb to notice?

A) Yes and no. I know someone who is dumb enough to have thought the show “Starved” was a documentary. But advertisers will notice. It won’t fly. But sometimes idiocy triumphs. NB: Dancing with the “Stars.”

Q) What is your favorite punctuation mark?

A) The hyphen. Hands down. However, I do enjoy both the semi-colon and the colon. Just saying “colon” cracks me up. Today I managed to discuss both the colon and wieners in the same conversation. And then? Someone threw in a “thinking outside the box.” Weiners + thinking outside the box = hilarity. A weiner outside the box. I need a vacation.

Q) Why is Buster always licking his left paw?

A) I think it’s nervous energy. I’ve inspected that paw up one side and down the other. That paw is fine. He is anxious about something that I haven’t been able to identify yet.

Q) What are the 19 stages of emotions following a severe emotional event, such as a break-up or being laid off?

A) Anger, deep sorrow, hate, rage, disbelief, grief, sadness, anger, rage, anger, rage, violence, hate, hate, hate, hate, indifference, sadness, sadness, sadness, acceptance. I did research.

Q) If someone actually did give you money for every time you had to say “Don’t eat poop” during any given period of time, how would you spend that money?

A) Goons. Hairy-knuckled beasts who would break some kneecaps like Tonya Harding’s ex-husband. Head cracking. Idiots deserve punishment. It’s karma on ‘roids.

Q) What should a therapist say during a session?

A) You should be asked if you’re sleeping and eating OK. If your therapist says, “Got any blow?” or “Your mom said to tell you ‘hi.’ But it was muffled by MY DICK IN HER MOUTH!” then I would like a referral.

Q) What are “chola eyebrows”?

A) These occur when a young lady has plucked out all of her natural eyebrows, then takes an eyebrow pencil with a reddish hue and draws upside-down Vs over her eyes. This is almost always accompanied by brown lip liner with sparkly pink lip gloss.

Q) Are you still planning to go to NY for the cheese course offered by the CIA?

A) Nope. But I think I have a good reason. First, I decided to use my frequent flier miles to go to Chicago in October to spend time with my sister and try to repair our relationship. Second, I realized that Hyde Park, NY, is nowhere near NYC. The logistics of getting there and back would include a rental car and getting lost. And I can take an hors d’oeuvres course right here. I would love love love love to go to NYC in the near future, but Chicago is also pretty great, and I’m going first class, so suck it.

Q) What’s wrong with Molly?

A) Kennel cough, aka bordatella. And this, if you think “adorable” is a problem, then she has that too:

¹None of these Qs are ever asked F^2
2These questions are asked either R³ or N⁴.
³Rarely
⁴Never